I’m Nicholas and I have struggled with same-sex attraction for as long as I can remember. Most (if not all) of my desires for romantic love have been solely for men. I believe that these desires are o
utside of Jesus’ biblical design, so these feelings were an object of shame growing up. I heard of no one who dealt with these feelings, so they also were a source of isolation. However, in 2015, I became a part of Living Hope Ministries.
Being at Living Hope has redefined my view of the words “church” and “grace.” For most of my life, the church was a place where people struggled invisibly–it was a place for people to be on their best (or at least better) behavior. To be a believer meant you were finished repenting, and through with messing up. However, from my first night at Living Hope, I saw a part of the church body that functioned differently. There are no walls to hide behind at Living Hope: you were there because you are struggling. In a way, by simply arriving at group, you were disclosing your “deepest, darkest secret” to everyone else. However, by admitting defeat, you were also accepting surrender.
At LHM, there is a profound recognition of our dependence on Christ’s power and help in a lifelong struggle. Living Hope’s culture of transparency and surrender has fundamentally shaped my idea of what it looks like to be a part of a church family. It showed me that as you begin to increase the awareness of your sin, it also increases your awareness and seriousness of God’s amazing grace.
In the same way that Living Hope redefined what I thought about church, it also opened my eyes to a deeper understanding of God’s grace for me. Growing up, I believed in a list of “unforgivable sins”: drug abuse, incarceration, infidelity, etc. So you can imagine my surprise during my first nights at group when guys were openly admitting to their struggles with masturbation and casual hook-ups. I was shocked! But what surprised me more was the understanding and forgiveness that met these confessions; nothing fazed our leaders. I suppose I theoretically knew about God’s unconditional love, but LHM was a place
that didn’t just s
tate a belief in unconditional love; they incarnated it. People listened to me as Jesus would; gave me eye contact; nodded their heads in understanding, and encouraged me with Truth.
Living Hope is the first place I felt safe to talk about my struggles with pornography, daddy issues, and sexual fantasies. These were things I never thought I’d share with anyone. But Living Hope was where I stopped simply acknowledging God’s grace and started living under it. I honestly can’t say where I might be if a place like Living Hope didn’t exist.
Additionally, LHM has ministered to my whole family: My older brother found LHM before I did and has been loved, supported, and grown so much because of them. My parents have also discovered support at LHM, connecting with the friends and family group and other same-sex-attracted people. Also, I have been honored to connect friends who’ve come out to me, with the ministry of LHM. This is the kind of home I have found at Living Hope. It is a place where we all know we are not enough, but Jesus is enough!