by a LHM Participant
For behold, I create new heavens and new earth: and the former shall not be remembered, nor come into mind.
If he can do this creation thing, can you just imagine what he can do with a past?
Shortly after moving to my current city I received a phone call informing me of a woman I highly respected and who ran a lesbian bar. She had taken her life with a shotgun to the head. At that point in time I asked God if there was a way out I wanted it. I knew I couldn’t do this on my own nor did I want to leave the comfort and security I felt in the arms of women. I had lived the past twelve years married with two children as a lesbian. When my husband traveled out of town I spent many nights in the lesbian bars, one beer after another and getting stuffed animals until I’d come home on a high. It was more the attention I needed than the sexual encounters. I was always trying to find that special woman who could complete me, but it never lasted very long and I’d move on to another woman. Three different times I actually left my husband and children to move in with a woman, only to come home again feeling guilty and shameful for what I had done. I felt trapped and couldn’t break away from this lifestyle even though I knew in God’s eyes living this way was wrong.
I’d loved God from childhood but felt he had let me down with a husband addicted to porn who couldn’t be faithful to me. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and meet my emotional needs my own way. To ease my emotional pain I turned to alcohol and drugs, several times ending up on in the bathroom floor lying in my own vomit. I remember thinking to myself, “I can’t live as a lesbian because of how I’m hurting my family, and I can’t live as a heterosexual, so I’d be better off just not here.” I felt trapped and wanted to end the torment once and for all.
That’s when God reached down and met me at my lowest point. I’m not one to seek after the supernatural, but He took me in the spirit to a dark filthy prison cell where I was sitting on a white stool. The place was piled high with garbage and the smell of the place was so VILE! I looked over through the open door and saw Jesus outside my cell. I knew what He wanted; He was motioning for me to come out. I sat there shaking my head “no” to Him, because I didn’t trust that if I walked out He would be able to meet those emotional needs in me that I had gone to women to meet all those years. I had tried several times in the past and I wasn’t going to go through it again! All of a sudden, that same sweet, calming grin on His face, He walked towards the door of the cell–He was coming in! I jumped off the stool and ran towards the door to stop Him! I felt too ashamed for him to see what was inside the cell, the filth and smell. He looked at me again with that silly grin and told me He was coming inside with me. Taking me by the shoulder, He reassured me that I didn’t need to feel afraid. He then pulled up another stool and sat down beside me. To my amazement, He said, “Dee, I’m going to sit here with you until you’re ready to walk out—however long it takes—and we’ll walk out together.” That’s when my healing began because I’ve never known that kind of love from any woman nor from anyone.
My healing has been a process and here I am, three years later, outside the door of that cell with Jesus, with a peace I’ve never known before. No woman has ever loved me like Jesus! I’m learning to walk daily in his presence, falling more and more in love with Him. The need for women to meet that emotional void in me is less and less, and God has brought about healing in my marriage, which is awesome. Just like the verse in Isaiah says, He no longer remembers my past but is creating a new thing!